My favorite Chinese restaurant does not deliver. You can call in and pick up though, and it is ALWAYS ready in 15-20 minute. Actually, it is not. But that’s what Bruce, the owner says, and we all go with it. Because the food rules.
Here is MY version of 15-20 Minute!
My schedule is brutal this week at school. But I wanted to make something for my dudes, so they don’t go and get a new mommy. Jerks. Time to begin, let us get Paula Deen up in here! is that how you spell her name, who the fuck cares? You know all that food she makes tastes like cigarettes and hairspray, anyway. Time to get out the old trippy mushroom pan!

Iced Tea is always a nice quick item to make. Technically, you have to heat up some water, so file that under cooking! Also: I love to make Ice-T because then I can yell “ICE MOTHER FUCKING TEA, BITCH.” I love Body Count. I put some Earl Grey in there, and got all fancy with it. This is usually the part where I give up, go drink a beer and listen to Body Count for the rest of the night. But I have to STUDY tonight so we must press on…

While your tea is brewing up, get out your old rice crispy supplies. Butter, (HELLO PAULA DEEN) and marshmallows and rice crispies. Buy that shit at Aldi, don’t be a full-pricer. Nobody likes a full-pricer. If you BUY rice crispy treats already packaged up, I will judge you. Harshly. Unless you are homeless. Even then, I will judge you. What you don’t got 20 minutes ya homeless bum, no wonder you are a lazy drifting has-been!?!

Put the butter and the marshmallows in the bowl and microwave them. DO not let your microwave fool you into rounding your time. You don’t have to put that in for 1:00 or 2:00, forget that noise. Be original. I went with 37 seconds and then added another 57. YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME ROUND NUMBERS! Bam! Melted goo! As a side note, I used miniature marshmallows. I ate a few handfuls, because I am starving. Always keep extra marshmallows on hand in case you are starving or want to make a drunk person or small child do the “chubby bunny” challenge for your amusement. It is fun for the whole family.

Grease up your pan and your implement. NOT THAT implement, you are gross and disgusting and I almost don’t even want to finish this now. Maybe I should have a beer and listen to Body Count…oh wait…I HAVE TO STUDY!

Back to the tea. Discard your Tea bags. I am not going to make a tea bag joke, I am not going to make a tea bag joke, I am not…
How much sugar do you put in iced tea? This depends entirely on what type of family you grew up in. I grew up in one of those families where my dad put a spoonful of sugar on our fruit loops, so I keep the sugar coming…

When your marshmallows are melted like this pour the rice crispies on top and stir until you have a large amount of rice crispies on the counter and spilled all over the floor. Then scream, “I can’t do anything right!” at the top of your lungs and cry until someone in your family helps you clean it up. This approach has never worked for me, but it doesn’t stop me from trying!

My mom bought these for me, and told me she thought they would be fun! Hell yes, Mom, about as much fun as trucker speed when you’ve already had too much coffee! Let’s sugar this bitch up a little more! Stir like three fourths of that bag in. Save the rest of the bag for when you have PMS from hell and large doses of onion rings and Waylon Jennings records just aren’t enough to get you through…

A little word of advice from my rice crispy making guru dad, sprinkle a little water on your hands before you press your mixture down in the pan and then the marshmallow doesn’t stick to you SO much. When I was in 6th grade my dad and I made a stonehenge out of rice crispies! A FREAKING stonehenge! I am pretty sure he doesn’t smoke the pee- oh- tee, BUT it was his idea. I got an A on that history project! Yay DAD! Where were we? Oh Yes, the making of the Maple Syrple. I mean tea. Ice Mother Fucking Tea, Bitch. NO! I HAVE NOT HAD TOO MUCH SUGAR TODAY!

Add water to the tea! When I as in college (the first time) I used to open a jar of marshmallow creme and add 10 pixie sticks and eat that with a spoon while my horrified roommate stared and stared and stared at me..she didn’t come from a “add some sugar to your fruit loops” kind of family. I have always been an innovative person when it came to snacks, I guess!

I made my kid take this picture because my phone was getting a little greasy and marshmallowy, like, ELVIS. My kid is named after a surrealist painter so I guess he couldn’t help but get a little David Lynchian with his photography. There will always be extra rice crispies left over, because the proportions of marshmallow/rice crispy are kept under control by some communist force that I cannot disclose. Let’s just thank Obama and move along…

Tada! That’s how you show a couple of dudes you love them! I should totally write a cookbook. Took under 20 minutes to make and an hour to write about! Peace everyone!